OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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