i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
