am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
