Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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