What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
