I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
