I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
