wrigley field is MILF paradise
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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