Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
