I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
