If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He passed out mid-signature
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
