Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
