She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
