Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
