in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
