I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
