you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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