no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
