and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
