I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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