Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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