i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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