you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
