My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
