Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
