I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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