My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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