new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
