wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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