Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
