I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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