The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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