ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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