Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
