Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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