when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
