I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
