I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
