If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
