This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
