ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
