her vagina looked like bernie madoff
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
