Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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