Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
