Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
