then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
