If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
