Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
