i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
