I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize