if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
