if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
