i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
