Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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