see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
