You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
