2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
