Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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